Ask Dr. Loving > Friend Can't Break Bad Habit
Dear CF;
If you've read my other posts, then you know there's a reason she keeps choosing the same Losers (with a capital "L") over and over. Something about them is familiar and or feeds into a warped self-concept she has developed over time. You don't say whether you, her other friends, and/or her parents have told her they are not a fan of the guys she chooses, but I suspect she's been informed (directly and indirectly). Ultimately, you have two primary options:
1. Wait it out and hope she eventually sees that she's sabotaging herself and she ends up seeking professional help to determine why she's stuck in this pattern.
2. Arrange an 'intervention", such that you and her other closest friends sit down with her and put everything out on the table.
I assume option 1 isn't ideal for several reasons (clearly you've been waiting for some time and yet she's shown no signs of taking off those rose-colored glasses). Option 2 may seem appealing, but I encourage you to seek the advice of a counseling professional if you choose to go this route. There are a number of factors that influence how effective an intervention can be, and what those factors are go beyond my expertise. If you are a student, you might consult your local university/college counseling center for some suggestions. They may even be able to give you some guidance for how to go about convincing her to come in and talk to someone.
Regardless of the route you take, know it could be some time before she is able to address and fix (or cope with) whatever it is that is causing her to be attracted to scum. But, when she does, she's going to need a friend in her corner who accepts her for who she is (clearly none of these guys do). It sounds like she has that friend.
Dr. L
Dr. L
Thanks so much Dr. Loving! As always, your insight is appreciated. Have a wonderful holiday break.
Caitlynn Flannegan
Dear Dr. Loving:
My friend seems to date the same guys over and over again. Her fiance was a guy who was domineering, secluded, overpowering, and controlling. They dated for about 4 years, and he proposed to her. However, sometime within the engagement period, he cheated on her. She ended it. Looking back on that relationship she said she saw "red flags" all over the place saying it was wrong, but she never did anything about it. This all happened about 2 years ago.
Within a month after the end of that relationship she had around 4-5 guys she was "seeing"/ "dating". I guess you can say she's not the type of girl that can be confident enough to stay single for more than a month. Her identity definitely comes from the guys she dates. She picked 1 of the 5 to settle on, and they've been dating solidly for the past two years.
Fast forward to today, and she's still with the same guy. Problem is - he is sarcastic, controlling, domineering, rude, secluded, has a seemingly strange and very intimate relationship with his mother (as in his friends are her friends, they live in the same apartment - the guy is 27, and some other weird co-dependent stuff), he doesn't let her think for herself, he treats her like a kid (as in - let me do this/ think this way for you because I'm smarter and can do it better than you ever could).
I just don't know how to make her SEE that she is playing the EXACT SAME STORY out. Dr. Loving- NONE of her friends like him. Not a SINGLE one. Her mom and dad don't like the guy either.
So what I'm asking is: do you have any tips for someone who so clearly is seeing through rose-colored to wake up to this INSANITY that she's putting herself through? What can I do to help her pull out of it?
Thanks much!